Hi, Penny here. I’d like you to meet my family. Actually I wouldn’t,
what I’d really like is to be transferred to
another family and introduce you to them. But that idea has as much chance
of working as Rik Waller.
First off me Ma.
What can I say about Ma that a court of law hasn’t
said already. She was the region’s toughest bare knuckle boxer 3 years
running and has been in trouble with the local
Police so many times she goes to their Christmas parties.
I’m at constant war with Ma, like most teenage girls I suppose –
but the roles are reversed as she’s the naughty and
rebellious one and I’m the strict voice of reason. I do love her though
and she has taught me a good many things such
as where’s the best place to hide when being hunted, how many punches
it takes to subdue an Asda trolley boy, and how to
kill snakes with my bare feet.Ma’s favourite colour is blood red and
her favourite food is ‘anything she hasn’t paid for.’
Then there’s me dad, Pa.
I love Pa, he’s so cuddly. I feel sorry for him because he was born
with a hideously deformed belly button –
it looks like a duck. But despite this he’s perfect. Apart from the
petty crime, severe anti-social tendencies and cruelty to animals.
One of my first memories is sitting in the back of the car with Dom, Ma
and Pa in the front, all singing along to his camp fire songs. Okay, we
never actually went anywhere as the car was a burned out Vauxhall Viva on
bricks,
but we did enjoy singing ‘My Lady Has A Cake For A Hat’
or ‘Granny’s Face Is Shrinking.’
He’s done some bad things though like the time he sold electric razors
to deaf people claiming they were mobile phones.
They all had bald patches on the sides of their heads for weeks. And he
was seen on the grassy knoll in Tellytubbie-Land with a high powered rifle
on the day Tinky Winky was assassinated. All the same I do love him.
And not forgetting our Dominic.
Dom’s me older brother, not by much though – a fortnight or
something - which is weird. He worries me a bit sometimes as he wants to
be an angry loner when he grows up. Don’t ask me why as he’s
one of the most popular kids in school.
Despite this he’d rather ‘make’ friends in other ways
– like he did with Chuddy – a boy he made from old chewing gum.
Dom’s Ma’s favourite and I’m cool with that because I’m
Pa’s favourite. Believe it or not he’s quite protective of his
little sister. The other day this lad called me freak-head in the street.
Dom raced over and gave him a good hiding.
He strained his back too – not in the actual fight – Dom did
it lifting him out of the wheelchair. My hero.
Lastly me!
I’m Penny Dreadful, the white sheep of the family. I’m not like
the rest as I’ve never done anything wrong (apart from the shameful
penguin throttling incident – which I regret.)
It’s my life’s work to put right the wrongs committed by my
criminal family. It’s hard work as they see any situation as a potential
money making scam
Despite being an angel I am tarred with the same brush Ma, Pa and Dominic
are. No one trusts us. When I go shopping the staff follow me round just
waiting for me to nick something just because I’m a Dreadful. It’s
hard trying to choose a new cardigan in Oxfam when the little old lady assistant
has you at gun point.
At the end of the day I love my family and would do anything for them –
but don’t tell them that as they’ll have me digging up graves
again for their sick and twisted ‘Here’s Someone You
Haven’t Seen For A While’ home made telly show. The
trauma that caused – I tell you